Using Jealousy As A Positive Motivator In A Relationship

Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from fear of abandonment, and resentment, to rage, and humiliation. You may feel jealous toward a rival when it appears as though they’ve reached successes that you haven’t. Or, jealousy can pop up when you have a sibling that you compete with for your parent’s attention. The most commonly known form of jealousy in Western society, however, is jealousy of the romantic type. If we are fearful our partner may stray, we become jealous.

Jealousy strikes people of all ages, races, cultures, genders, and sexual orientations. It occurs when a person perceives a threat (real or imagined), and it causes the individual to be suspicious or reactive.

So when we see our beloved having a great time with an individual we distrust, alarm bells go off in our heads.

Reactions to Jealousy

Feeling jealousy is our body’s way of warning us that we do not feel safe. It is a universal human experience. Because of this, jealousy is neither all bad nor all good. This emotion was designed as a warning system. It is our reaction to jealousy that can have a negative or positive impact on our relationships.

Our reactions to jealousy can be healthy or unhealthy. Healthy jealousy aims to guard your territory, and comes from a sincere care for and commitment to a relationship. Unhealthy jealousy manifests itself through lies, threats, and feelings of insecurity.

Once we are able to identify how our responses to jealousy affect us, we can use jealousy to build a stronger relationship with our intimate partners.

Healthy Responses

Healthy responses to jealousy are:

• Showing your commitment to your partner.

• Accountability through honest communication.

• Identifying perceived threats that you and your partner can address head first.

If you want to utilize your jealousy in a positive manner, you must first become familiar with it. Stop and ask yourself, what are the physical signs that you’re feeling jealous? Do you clench your teeth, have muscle tension in your shoulders, or maybe begin to sweat? Are there nonverbal cues that trigger jealousy? Does it occur when you hear certain words or phrases, or notice certain gestures? Are there specific people with whom, or places where it occurs the most? Ask yourself if any of these triggers relate to your lived experiences, or your observed experiences of others, where the end result was hurt and pain? Also, identify if you have a history that has increased your experience with jealousy. If you do, you may be unfairly projecting onto your partner.

Next, ask yourself if your partner is truly aware of your jealousy? Have you brushed your jealous feelings under the rug? Have you minimized them when discussing them with your partner? Have you assumed that your partner should “just know” that you’re feeling jealous or hurt?

All of these experiences are information your partner has a right to know. They cause you to make decisions about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. If you’re not sharing, these decisions are being made without your partner’s input. The more your partner is left in the dark, the more darkness will creep into the relationship.

Self-analysis can be very difficult, so I would suggest utilizing a therapist or counselor who has experience with romantic jealousy.

Unhealthy Responses

Unhealthy responses to jealousy are:

• Doubting your partner’s honesty.

• Wrongful accusations.

• Threatening your partner (this can mean threats about leaving the relationship, about hurting yourself, hurting your partner, or hurting someone else).

• Attempting to control your partner.

• Intimate partner violence.

Unhealthy responses to jealousy are not a motivator for change. Instead they compel you to be reactive. When jealousy dominates a relationship, ultimately that relationship will break.

A chronically jealous person may attempt to control the relationship. They will use exaggeration, self-pity, lies, threats or manipulation. The destructive behaviors force the jealous person to focus solely on themselves and their needs, and not their partner’s or their relationship’s needs.

As the jealousy grows, it can eventually turn into intimate partner violence. Some may read this and think, “not me,” but intimate partner violence does include physical abuse as well as emotional and mental abuse. Do you find yourself calling your partner a liar, berating your partner, or putting them down? Do you monitor their movements or try to spy on their social media and mobile activity? These are signs of intimate partner violence, as the goal is to attempt to find an offense worth retaliating over. Even if the retaliation is verbal, it causes your partner pain, and causing intentional pain to your loved one is intimate partner violence.

Addressing Jealousy

Once you have identified your response to jealousy, and made the decision to utilize it in a healthy manner, it’s time to have a conversation with your partner.

Time

Carve out uninterrupted time with your partner to identify everything you’ve uncovered. Make sure that this time is during a moment that is good for your partner, as well as for yourself.

Location

Choose a neutral, public location that is quiet and allows for open conversation. This could be a library, a park bench, or low traffic coffee shop. Conversations about jealousy can be triggering in themselves, so to increase safety and to allow the conversation to flourish, a public space is best.

Opening Up

When the time and location are locked in, it is time to open up to your partner. It may help to have some notes jotted down to keep you on track. Make your partner aware of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when you feel jealous. Be completely honest.

Allow the communication to flow. Make sure that you are allowing your partner time to share as well. Accept input and answer questions from your partner. Ask questions about their experience with jealousy, or when they don’t feel safe in the relationship.

Solutions

Solutions must be made collaboratively. When meeting with your partner, you may provide possible solutions for situations that occur around jealousy, but your solutions are not final. You must compromise with your partner. Remember, control is an unhealthy response to jealousy. If you dictate every situation, then you are no longer working with your partner; you’re instead working with jealousy.

Make goals together that are tangible and measurable. This way, both of you can keep track of how you both will work on making the relationship feel safe.

Possible Solutions If You’re Not The Jealous One

Learning that your partner has been experiencing jealousy may or may not be a surprise to you. If you have found that jealousy is a motivator to creating a stronger relationship, these are some possible solutions you can agree to:

1. Commit to talking openly with your partner about the situations that make them feel unsafe.

2. Commit to talking openly with your partner about the situations that make you feel unsafe.

3. Learn and adapt communication styles that help to prevent miscommunication.

4. Affirm to your partner that they have every right to feel what they are feeling (this doesn’t mean that you agree, it means that you aren’t going to dictate their experience).

5. Be willing to stop a triggering activity, for an identified amount of time, to show your partner that you’re committed to the relationship.

6. Allow your partner time to process and create change.

7. Increase activities with your partner that create trust, like attending health classes together.

8. Establish regular check-ins with your partner to know they feel secure.

9. Increase the use of your partner’s identified Love Language.

10. Attend couples counseling.

Possible Solutions If You’re The Jealous One

Simply having a productive conversation about your jealousy may lift a lot of burden off your shoulders. This doesn’t mean that the work ends there. If you have found that jealousy is a motivator to creating a stronger relationship, these are some possible solutions you can agree to:

1. Commit to talking openly with your partner about the situations that make you feel unsafe.

2. Commit to talking openly with your partner about the situations that make them feel unsafe.

3. Learn and adapt communication styles that help to prevent miscommunication.

4. Agree to reach out to friends or peers to learn when jealousy is a personal problem.

5. Allow yourself to think about, and talk about, your partner more positively.

6. Agree to allow your partner space to explore and enjoy the things they love.

7. Learn stress management techniques to minimize overreactions.

8. Allow your partner time to process and create change.

9. Affirm to your partner that you truly care for them.

10. Increase activities with your partner that create trust, like attending health classes together.

11. Increase the use of your partner’s identified Love Language.

12. Attend couples counseling.

What Is Not A Solution

There are certain “potential solutions” that occur when attempting to resolve experiences of jealousy. Some lead towards control and manipulation that occurs, and therefore are not solutions. The examples below are not to be identified during the conversation process as possible solutions:

1. Allowing complete access to mobile phones, social media accounts, computers, bank accounts, etc. It may be tempting to ask/give into this request, but it will only increase the jealousy because it creates more perceived threats than perceived safety.

2. Breaking friendships or isolating. It may be tempting to ask/give into the request of avoiding certain situations or people for an unidentified amount of time. This stems from controlling responses to jealousy and will only build resentment.

3. Dictation of schedules and expenses. It may be tempting to ask/give into the request of oversharing of schedules or expenses in hopes of minimizing jealousy. Instead this creates more scenarios of insecurity.

4. Ultimatums. It may be tempting to ask/give into an ultimatum. This is not a healthy solution because it conveys that only one person is allowed power in the relationship. A relationship is a partnership, each partner has equal shares.

5. Violence. This is never the answer. If a partner has become violent it is time to explore actual safety in the relationship, or consider leaving the relationship in order to be safe. If you are experiencing intimate partner violence, reach out to The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to create a safety plan, get assistance from a counselor, and explore your options.

If you look at jealousy as your body’s warning sign that you aren’t feeling safe, then it will be your best tool to strengthen your relationship. Safety is key for growth and success in a relationship. When you become more familiar with your jealousy, you’ll be able to identify what changes can be made in the relationship in order to create stability.

Did you learn something new about jealousy? Share with me in the comment section below!

---

---