Teaching Your Inner Critic Self-Compassion

Growing up we all develop an inner critic, a strong guiding voice meant to protect us from harm. Eventually, that inner critic no longer provides guidance and advice, but instead lashes out with incredibly harsh “truisms.” The inner critic may say “you’re too fat to be loved,” “you’re too stupid to get that job,” or “you’ll never be enough.” The inner critic can leave us questioning our abilities, causing us to feel down and hopeless.

Our inner critic has learned, through our childhood, that the advice we will most often listen to is negative in nature, and presented in a finite world-view manner (as in all or nothing). Now that you’re an adult, this form of advice is no longer needed. You are no longer a child who has limited control over your life. You have more resources, more skills, and more resilience with which to take on new challenges. The advice your inner critic needs to give must align with these facts.

It is important to change the inner critic’s mode from a tone of self-criticism to a tone of self-compassion. Self-criticism looks at your actions, feelings, and thoughts as wrong, bad, and unnecessary. Self-compassion looks at them as important tools from which to learn and grow.

Where To Begin

First, you must view your inner critic as a soldier working for you, instead of an enemy working against you. Like all soldiers, this one needs your commands to know what to do. Without your commands, this soldier is left to come up with their own battle plans, and these plans are often more radical in response than they need to be. Your inner critic needs you to guide them as much as they guide you. When you embrace that, you’re able to become more compassionate with your inner self.

Second, once you’ve recognized and become familiar with your soldier, maybe even given them a name, it’s time to teach them skills they’ll need to know in order to protect you. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness. This is the most difficult step. Kindness is often a skill we believe is used with others, and is rarely applied to ourselves.

Steps To Kindness

Learning kindness means learning to actively change behaviors. These skills are then taught to your inner critic, so that your inner critic can respond to perceived threats with choices, instead of limits.

Here are ten ways you can incorporate kindness to yourself:

1. Thankfulness

   Take time every day to thank your inner critic. Thank them for always being there, ready to protect you. Thank them for helping you learn and grow, and for being willing to learn a new way to protect you. Your inner critic longs to be noticed and appreciated for its efforts. Once you have thanked your inner critic, remind yourself of the other things you are thankful for. This will show your inner critic that gratitude is a skill that can be used to support you.

2. Kindness To Others
   Some of us learn by doing, so when we are kind to others, we know what kindness towards ourselves should look like. Find time throughout your day to compliment the people around you. Make these compliments meaningful for the moment, such as “I really appreciate all the hard work you put into making this graph. You’ve chosen a lot of great colors and presented the information thoroughly.” Find causes to donate to, or places to volunteer. All of these acts will remind your inner critic that the world is not always threatening.

3. Mindfulness Meditation
   Learning kindness to yourself means learning to view your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a nonjudgmental way. Mindfulness meditation teaches you how to experience the present moment without attaching negative emotions to it. If you are an overthinker, or very self-critical, then practicing the art of mindfulness meditation may be difficult. Utilizing guided imagery from meditation apps or attending meditation groups will be a great way to get started. Here is a great self-compassion mindfulness meditation you can follow from Live Sonima!

4. Positive Affirmations
   Repeating encouraging statements to yourself is one of the strongest ways to build up your self-compassion, and to gain some buy-in from your inner critic to do the same. Your inner critic has learned to utilize statements as a way of warning you about danger. Shifting your mindset to use self affirming statements will then shift your inner critic to adopt the same mentality.

5. Like A Friend
   When your inner critic attempts to use belittling language, tell them they are being too hard on you. Remind them that this is not advice they would give a friend. Tell yourself, along with your inner critic, the things you would tell a loved-one in the same situation. The advice will be completely different, that’s for sure! Show yourself the same compassion you’d show others. Your inner critic will slowly learn that this is how you want to treat yourself.

6. Reach Out
   When our inner critic is strong, it can often isolate us. We may feel alone, and forgotten. We may even believe the negative statement the inner critic has told us: that we do not matter. Therefore, it is important to share what you’re thinking and feeling with others. Reach out to family or friends. Activate your support system to remind yourself you’re not alone. This will teach your inner critic to suggest the option of seeking out help, instead of believing itself to be your only help.

7. Journaling
   Take time throughout your day, even if it’s 5 minutes, to jot down the words you hear from your inner critic. Seeing the words in writing will allow you to analyze the messages you’re getting. Journaling will be the tool to help you work through understanding something that happened. This skill set will teach your inner critic to look at the whole picture when on alert, instead of responding with the default, and targeting only one section of a problem.

8. Change Of Scenery
   When our dialogue with our inner critic gets out of control, changing where we are will change what we think. Take a breather and go outside. Look around you and center yourself in the moment. You are no longer in the same thinking space. This tactic will help to tame your inner critic because it will teach your inner critic to either change the dialogue, or else it will not be involved in the dialogue. As your inner critic will forever be your willing soldier, it will learn new skills to keep protecting you.

9. Self-Compassion Tools
   Slowly start incorporating self-compassion knowledge into your life. Listen to podcasts on self-compassion. Read books on self-compassion. Learn about self-love, self-understanding, and self-forgiveness. All of this information is necessary for your inner critic to learn how being kind is necessary to protect and support you.

10. Therapy
    Behavioral therapy is a professional way to obtain objective help with understanding how your inner critic affects you, and how to teach your inner critic self-compassion. Therapy is a way to develop skills to help you process a major life event, move past a specific adverse experience, or to help when you feel stuck. Reach out to your employer to see if you have EAP benefits that will cover sessions, or reach out to your insurance company to be referred to a therapist. Look for someone who has experience with cognitive behavioral therapy, inner critic work, and self-compassion work.

Daily Practice

Once you have incorporated a few of these skills, repeat them as often as possible. Learning self-compassion is a daily practice. The more you decide self-compassion is the proper response, the more your inner critic will feel the same.

Remember that you are not trying to silence your inner critic. Your solider has been by your side throughout your whole life, and will continue to be by your side. Your inner critic will make mistakes, and default to old learning. This is okay. Be compassionate towards your inner critic and teach them how to guide you and protect you as an adult.

How can you dance with your inner critic?

Steve Chapman shines a light on his inner critic - that whisper in his ear that constantly tells him he isn't good enough.

Have you been inspired to work with your inner critic? What do you do to show yourself kindness? Let me know in the comments section below!

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