Connecting With Your Gamer Child

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The pandemic has led to many changes in children’s lives: school shutdowns, a decrease in opportunity for socialization, and mixed messages from adults around safety, to name a few. During a time of socially distancing from peers, many children (and adults) are experiencing feelings of loneliness and isolation. Virtual bonding has helped to combat this. Through online gaming, such as Roblox or Fortnite, children have found a useful tool in maintaining their social connections. Though this has always been true for individuals who game, more and more youth are finding online gaming as a saving grace for bonding, support, and comfort during confusing times.

Caregivers who are not as immersed in video game culture may not understand their child’s motivations for playing. It can be confusing to put ourselves in our child’s shoes and see the benefits of gaming. From the outside, we do not see that they are using executive functioning skills, such as communication, planning, decision making, and asserting agency. This lack of understanding can lead to misattunement which can lead to frustration, dismissive communication, and relationship ruptures. Often caregivers react disfavorably towards gaming, especially if time spent online has increased. A common result is a breakdown in the relationship with their youth.

According to Dr. Charles Schaefer and Dr. Athena Drewes, playing has therapeutic powers which are summed up into 4 categories totaling 20 different aspects of social-emotional learning. These therapeutic powers are the facilitation of communication, increasing personal strengths, fostering emotional wellness, and enhancing social relationships. Video games are a form of play and they touch on each of these categories. Therefore, we encourage caregivers to take an opportunity to foster their relationship with their youth by engaging in video games to activate these therapeutic powers. Relationship building is an important part of being a caregiver, and what better way than by meeting your gamer child where they are at: gaming.

To help foster a relationship with your gamer child that follows the 4 categories of the therapeutic powers of play, here are actionable steps:

1. Communication: Game With Them
   No, seriously. Play video games with your children. The best way to understand their world is to join them in it. Additionally, it is rare for children to be the experts in the room. Gift them this opportunity to connect with you by teaching you. Sit down with them, let them choose a game, and then have them show you how to play it. Ask questions. Be patient with yourself if you aren’t picking up the controls right away. Be patient with them if it’s difficult for them to teach (they don’t get to do that, that often). Try to set aside 30 minutes a day to just play with them. This works wonders for the kiddos who have a hard time leaving their virtual world. When we game, the sights, sounds, action – all of this increases our dopamine.

2. Increasing Personal Strengths: Avatar Creation
   An avatar is a graphic identity that a gamer chooses to represent themselves. It is often a caricature and can take any form, sometimes as a simple cartoon, other times a bizarre fantasy figure, and with gaming, may even be customizable. So get to know and explore your child’s avatar. How does your child celebrate their uniqueness with their avatar creation? Does their avatar have special powers? How is this similar or different from real life? Have them walk you through creating your own. Explore how they can strengthen their own uniqueness by merging aspects of their creations with themselves.

3. Fostering Emotional Wellness: Feelings Identification
   When playing with your child, notice their emotional expression. Are they angry because their character keeps falling in a pit? Are they excited because they just beat a level that took them days to get through? Are they disappointed because their friend can’t jump online with them? As their caregiver, you can help them label these emotions. Acknowledge out loud that you see they are feeling frustrated or joyful. After the game, talk about other things that they express various emotions about. Whenever possible, talk about their coping skills and resources they can use when they are feeling uncomfortable emotions, like a disappointment.

4. Enhancing Social Relationships: Connecting With Others
   Take time to join various social media accounts that foster support for appropriate gaming. You can join the Geek Therapy Community Facebook Group, which is filled with community members who support pro-social learning through gaming, as well as other geeky endeavors. Many of the members in the group are therapists, business professionals, parents, and those with lived experience. This will help you grow your social network. For your child, find out who they play with regularly online. Are they friends they made in school? Are they online friends they only know in the game? Do they know families that play together that both of you can do a game night with? Reach out to their school and see if they have a video-gaming club. This will ensure that you know who your child is playing with, which helps develop safety and comfort for both you and them.

Will you be trying any of these actionable steps? If so let us know in the comment section below!

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