What Is Intimate Partner Violence?

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October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Intimate Partner Violence affects nearly 12 million Americans a year. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has reported that approximately 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men experience severe physical violence by an intimate partner during their life. Marginalized communities are at greater risk because oppression already exacerbates their community with trauma and harm.

Define Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate Partner Violence is physical, sexual, or psychological harm done to someone by a current or former partner. This harm occurs in all cultures and all gender and sexual orientation backgrounds. Clinicians wishing to support survivors need to be well-versed in the patterns of violence and their clients’ culture and gender identity, and sexual orientation. Many survivors do not receive support because they are surviving violence that doesn't match societal conditioning. Society has been trained to believe that Intimate Partner Violence is seen only through a heteronormative lens.

Domestic violence can occur in intimate relationships, but these relationships do not have to be romantic. There may be violence occurring from a roommate or from adult children to their parents. Individuals in these situations may feel even more isolated in their experience, as resources are often catered towards those in romantic relationships. Studies have shown that survivors of Intimate Partner Violence have difficulty receiving support and care. Individuals in domestic violence situations that do not involve a romantic partner are even less likely to receive support.

When it comes to the current state of relationships in the pandemic, reports of Intimate Partner Violence increased drastically. Various factors can increase the likelihood of Intimate Partner Violence, including financial distress, isolation, illness, and instability. As a result of the pandemic, these contributors increased for people. This may be the first time some folks have feared losing their job. People develop chronic stress, mental unwellness, physical unwellness, and emotional disconnection. All of these uncertainties can feed into relational discourse. Additionally, as shelter-in-place orders, testing mandates, and now barriers around vaccination status propped up, it decreased survivors’ access to services. 

How It Affects Survivors

The impact of Intimate Partner Violence affects survivors differently, as each situation is complex. Some might gain adaptivity and resilience as a response to their survival. Others may experience physical and mental unwellness. Survivors who have physical disabilities or chronic illnesses may have these conditions directly resulting from abuse from the perpetrator. They may need medical procedures and treatment, such as facial surgery from a broken jaw. Some may develop various physical symptoms, such as gastrointestinal symptoms, chest pain, back pain, and pelvic pain, which may be both physical and psychological.

Survivors have been known to develop various mental health disorders, including depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, and posttraumatic stress disorder. These mental health disorders may come with symptoms of suicidal ideation, substance abuse and misuse, sleep disturbance, or new and increased phobias. Many survivors have been known to blame themselves for the abuse, increasing feelings of anger and resentment to themselves. Chronic abuse may result in survivors having difficulties developing new relationships. Their ability to regulate emotions, interpret facial expressions, and read social cues has been affected by the harm brought onto them. Given the various effects of Intimate Partner Violence, reprieve and healing are rarely instant after leaving an abusive partner.

Press the “QUICK EXIT” button at any time if you need to quickly exit this page. The button can be found at the end of multiple sections. You’ll be taken to Guidance Teletherapy’s front page instead.

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Studies have found that violence may increase and increase in lethality when a survivor leaves an abuser. It isn't easy to get out of an Intimate Partner Violence situation. It's easier said than done to "just leave." A safety plan involves multiple levels of life assessment, including who has access to the survivor and their relationship with the abuser. Often family and friends are easily convinced by the abuser that they want to “fix” things in the relationship, gaining access to the survivor they weren’t supposed to have. Survivors have to consider if their behavior patterns are predictable, how to protect themselves at work, and changing communication access, such as phone numbers and emails. Individuals who do not have access to work are in a multicultural relationship where they live in a culture that is not their own, or even navigating co-parenting, achieving safety is even more difficult.

Often abusers can maintain a persona of "goodness." They do not show others their ability to harm because they have a target for their harm. They believe they are justified in their actions for power and control. Rarely do they openly and easily show signs of distress, guilt, or shame. If not "caught in the act," they appear calm, composed, and even charming. Friends and family of the abusers have not experienced the abuse and therefore believe the abuser’s perception of the relationship is accurate. Abusers even convince family and friends that the survivor is exaggerating, has a mental illness, or a myriad of other ways to blame the survivor for the disharmony in the relationship.

Staying Safe While In An Intimate Partner Violence Relationship

For anyone currently in an Intimate Partner Violence situation, it's critical to find ways to grow and strengthen their support network. When the support system is too small, it may not have enough access to the resources needed to keep survivors safe. Whenever possible, build relationships with a variety of professionals, such as a therapist, counselor, staff in a waiting room, staff at veterinary office (including the veterinarian), staff at a doctor's office (including the doctor), or staff at a dental office (including the dentist). Develop connections with people who work at the local grocery store, local farmer's market, or local salon/barbershop. When ordering food or going to restaurants, survivors can learn the names of the staff and have predictable food orders so that they are memorable by their order.

Though these relationships aren't friends or family, they may have connections that can assist survivors in creating and achieving safety. They are also not as close to the abuser, and therefore more likely to believe the survivor. These individuals are also easy to attempt to see more regularly because they aren't friends or family. An abuser thrives on power and control, and limiting access to friends and family is part of that power and control. Therefore, a more comprehensive support system, with community individuals, is something that a survivor needs to access and develop to create safety.

Directly confronting an abuser when the abusive relationship is still active can lead to increased harm. Abusers thrive on power and control. Confrontation is an evident shift in power and control. The outcome of confronting an abuser can be deadly. That is why survivors must increase their allyship and focus on safety strategies.

Until safety can be achieved, survivors must work on surviving while in the relationship. Often, survivors do their best to defuse an abuser, to prevent harm. It’s common for survivors to diffuse an abuser through appeasement. They will reassure them, reason with them, or remove blame from them. Unfortunately, these go-to’s usually assist in providing the abuser with what they are seeking: power. As their behaviors increase, the survivor learns to walk on eggshells, read the room, and attempt to do everything to prevent an escalation. These strategies assist in the short term, but it doesn't stop the abuser or the abuse in the long run. It continues to feed into a pattern and cycle that the abuser uses to justify their abuse. The abuser is seeking any validation that what they are doing is actually “right and necessary."

Press the “QUICK EXIT” button at any time if you need to quickly exit this page. The button can be found at the end of multiple sections. You’ll be taken to Guidance Teletherapy’s front page instead.

Alternatively, if you’re on a laptop, computer, or tablet with an external keyboard and you want to quickly close this tab, try using the following keyboard shortcuts:

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For more tips on safety plans and safer browsing, consider visiting the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Challenging and changing these go-tos will be the most influential when on a journey to reaching safety. Other strategies can be used at the moment to diffuse an abuser that does not involve inadvertently feeding their desire for power and control. The first is refusing to engage with the abuser emotionally. An abuser will use abusive verbal communication to incite anger or an emotional breakdown from the survivor. This is the first sign of attempting to justify their abuse and assert a level of power and control. Survivors instead need to work on keeping their emotions even, resisting the urge to internalize the critical statements being made. Survivors can practice diaphragmatic breathing to help regulate their nervous system, so when they are in these situations, they can respond with an even tone and steady breathing.

Secondly, whenever possible, survivors should attempt to move the conversation into an area of the room where an exit is available and accessible. Without appropriate intervention and introspection, abusers will escalate their abusive behaviors. The first sign that their behaviors are moving towards deadly harm is that of blocking: they will block exists to rooms, they will lock survivors in or out of the home, they will slash tires, or step in front of the car to prevent the survivor from driving away. They physically make it impossible for a survivor to move freely. Therefore, no matter the size of the disagreement (even if it seems like something small and trivial), always have a way to move in and out of the room freely. Stand very close to the doorway, leave windows open on the first story, or have spare keys hidden around the house. Having a quick escape creates distance and may allow survivors time to reach out to support networks.

Another appropriate diffusion tactic is that of involving or calling a third party. When there is a disagreement, see if both the survivor and abuser respect can be utilized to help settle a disagreement. This can help in preventing an abuser from escalating their behaviors. It shifts the focus less on the "problem" and more on the third party’s solutions. This strategy assists survivors in attempting not to engage with the abuser emotionally.

Lastly, it’s essential to find ways to set boundaries. It can be challenging to set boundaries when with an abusive partner. Though it’s difficult, having no boundaries puts the relationship on a trajectory of deadly harm. Therefore it's crucial to seek to reclaim boundaries. When an abuser uses criticism and ridicule, a survivor may set the boundary to engage in solution-focused communication only after taunting, mockery, and insults have discontinued. If they attempt to continue, select a consequence of disengagement. If the abuser cannot engage in appropriate communication, then set the boundary that arguments can only occur in public spaces to prevent emotional escalation. If the abuser escalates in public places where they do not know anyone, attempt to shift the boundary to public places they know or respect individuals, such as a community center, faith-based institutions, or outside a fire department. Setting firm boundaries around communication and where communication will assist survivors in seeking safety.

Press the “QUICK EXIT” button at any time if you need to quickly exit this page. The button can be found at the end of multiple sections. You’ll be taken to Guidance Teletherapy’s front page instead.

Alternatively, if you’re on a laptop, computer, or tablet with an external keyboard and you want to quickly close this tab, try using the following keyboard shortcuts:

• Windows or Linux: Ctrl + w or Ctrl + F4

• Mac: ⌘ + w

For more tips on safety plans and safer browsing, consider visiting the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

How We Can Help A Survivor

All of us know a survivor of Intimate Partner Violence. We must lose preconceived notions and judgments around survivors of abusive relationships. There is truly no right or wrong way to recover from an abusive relationship or find safety with or away from the abuser. Each survivor’s experience is unique. Some survivors have pets or children they care for, which focuses on security for more than just themselves. Some survivors have been isolated by the abuser, preventing their ability to find safety. Many lose their ability to make choices for themselves, which causes doubt and confusion and creates a barrier to safety-seeking and reclaiming control over their lives.

For anyone wanting to support a loved one in this dangerous situation, the first way to help them is by believing them. Too often, because friends or family do not personally see the violence, they downplay or minimize it in their minds. They do not listen and are not in tune with the needs of their loved ones. As a result of seeing the experience with a passive lens, they conclude with not fully believing the survivor. It’s important to shift focus and actively see the common signs that a loved one is in a dangerous situation. Look for signs of fear, isolation, difficulty with decision making, placating behavior, fidgeting, or general unrest. Be in tune with obsessions over "getting things right" in the home or fear of making mistakes. Notice when someone is increasing time away from the house (such as increased appointments to the beauty shop or grocery shopping when the fridge is full). One of these signs alone would not be enough to be warning signs. If any of these behaviors are historical to the loved one, they may not be signs of Intimate Partner Violence. However, when they are seen in combination, they may be clues that something is going on for the loved one.

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If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

Additional beneficial resources include:

• National Sexual Assault Hotline

• National Dating Abuse Hotline

• Pathways to Safety International

• National Center for Victims of Crime

• Casa de Esperanza (Spanish-speaking hotline)

• National Indigenous Women’s Resource Center

• Asian and Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence

• The National Center on Violence Against Women in the Black Community

• National LGBTQ Task Force

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