Restoring Balance In A Relationship After An Affair

An affair can disrupt your relationship in almost every area. After an affair, it’s hard to find normal again because nothing feels normal. If you and your partner have decided to stay together, then finding balance in the relationship will be difficult, but not impossible.

There are three broad territories that frequently show the negative impact of an affair. For some couples, one or more of these territories may have already been a source of difficulty before the affair. Either way, the additional stress from a betrayal trauma often leads to severe dysfunction.

All couples attempting to survive a betrayal trauma need to find balance again in one or more of the following areas:

1. Daily Tasks

2. Companionship Activities

3. Intimate Activities

Daily Tasks Territory

After an affair, there can be a breakdown in daily routines. Surviving an affair can cause emotional distress, which leads to distraction, inefficiency, or a lack of motivation. It can also lead to anger, which results in a lack of cooperation and even vengefulness. Additionally, when partners are so upset with one another that they stop talking to each other about issues, their lives become more stressful and daily needs aren’t addressed.

In a healthy relationship, both partners contribute. They each complete tasks for the wellbeing of the couple. When someone has cheated, many individuals, most often the injured faithful partner, stop giving the same effort they had previously. Motivation to expend extra effort which will benefit the unfaithful partner is compromised. Shopping, preparing meals, laundry, cleaning, or putting gas in the car, are no longer taken care of as usual. 

Therefore it’s important that the responsibilities are addressed. Communicating with one another about what task completion was like before the infidelity will increase finding balance. If this area was already a struggle, it’s even more important to communicate what health daily task completion looks like for a thriving relationship.

Companionship Activities Territory

One of the most important aspects of an intimate relationship is the time spent engaging in experiences that are enjoyable together. Spending time together builds positive bonding and creates stability and closeness in a relationship.

Couples develop routines for relaxation or play. Some may go to the movies, others may exercise together. These activities could include short weekend trips as a couple, or regular engagements with shared friends, like a game night. They are often a couple’s go-to to reconnect and bond. In the aftermath of an affair, these activities are disrupted.

The injured faithful partner may feel too upset to suggest that the couple spend time together. Likewise, the unfaithful partner might believe it is too presumptuous to even suggest continuing with their previously planned engagements.

A couple who decides that they want to stay together after an affair secretly wishes to continue these cherished activities. The unfaithful partner desires to show how much they want to be with the injured faithful partner. They might hope to suggest a lot of “togetherness” as part of rebuilding their partner’s faith in them. Similarly, the injured faithful partner may wish to seek reassurance through continued bonding experiences. They may even fear that they have not been a “good enough” companion, and wish to rectify this by increasing togetherness.

In the end, there is confusion between partners about what is acceptable. They may be getting mixed messages from each other, or from others outside the relationship. It’s important to communicate these concerns. Desires for companionship will likely change over the course of recovery, so communicating one’s needs around bonding is key to healing.

Be patient when starting to re-engage in these interactions. Be mindful that you and your partner will have a variety of emotional responses that might come up, and that pausing or ending the activity early is acceptable. Be open with your partner if an activity becomes unpleasant or aversive. The goal is to make a good-faith effort to find balance, not to force it.

Intimate Interactions Territory

There are many companionship activities that partners can do with friends or families. What differentiates couples from other relations are the intimate interactions reserved for romantic, committed relationships. These experiences include:

• Conversations that are experienced by both partners as intimate, either because of the vulnerability of the subject or because they surround statements of love, affection, and caring.

• Undressing in front of the other person.

• Physical displays of affection including: hand-holding, kissing, and intimate massage.

• Explicitly sexual interactions.

All of these experiences can become unsettling after an affair. Partners may feel distant from each other, making intimate interactions uncomfortable. The injured faithful partner especially will feel too vulnerable after the betrayal to have any desire for intimate activities.

Furthermore, given that the trauma of an affair involves the act of sexual interactions with someone outside the relationship, sexual interactions between the unfaithful and injured faithful partner may seem meaningless or aversive.

This territory will be the hardest to restore. Don’t engage in intimate behaviors, including undressing in front of each other, which makes either person highly uncomfortable. Don’t force yourself to jump back into the sack if you can’t help but think about the affair. Finding balance in this territory means taking it slow. 

I also strongly recommend couples therapy to address these issues. Depending on the sexual trauma history or familial history, engaging in sexual interactions too early can trigger other unhealthy emotional responses for either partner.

Decision-Making Guidelines

The desire to find balance in the relationship may be equal for each partner. Knowing which territory to focus on gives you a framework on where to begin. Still, couples who wish to maintain their relationship after an affair may have to relearn their decision-making skills. The decision-making steps outlined below can be helpful for couples who’ve lost the ability to communicate.

Step One: State the issue that needs to be resolved clearly and specifically.

• Each partner needs to phrase issues in terms of behaviors. Describe what is or isn’t occurring that needs to change.

• Large complex problems need to be broken down into several smaller problems. Deal with those smaller problems one at a time.

• When the problems are identified, make sure each partner agrees that the problem is a problem. Make sure each partner is willing to discuss solutions. Both partners need to buy in what is wrong and what is needed to resolve it.

Step Two: Clarify why an issue is important.

• Be specific about what you are struggling with, and express it to your partner.

• Express your wants and needs. Do not be vague.

• Clarify why a specific issue is important to you. Share your understanding of the issue, how it has affected you, and how it may lead to more.

• Explain what you need your partner to take into account as a solution. Do not offer specific solutions at this time, but instead explain what you want the outcome of resolution to look like.

Step Three: Discuss possible solutions.

• Propose specific, concrete solutions that take both partners’ needs into account. Do not focus on solutions that meet only your individual needs. Remember that a relationship is a partnership.

• Become solution-focused. Think of solutions for both the present and the future. It will be hard to not dwell on the past, or attribute blame for past difficulties. Remember that the goal isn’t to forget the past, but it is to find balance in the relationship. This cannot be done when one or both partners are too focused on all the past struggles.

• Avoid focusing on a single or limited number of alternatives. Instead, consider brainstorming possible solutions. The more options you have to choose from, the more hopeful you and your partner will feel about restoring balance.

Step Four: Pick solutions that you both can agree upon.

• The solution chosen should be based on behavioral changes. Behaviors are tangible acts that can be affected. Do not choose solutions that require more from your partner than is reasonable or possible.

• Finding solutions that please both partners is difficult. This is where compromise becomes the solution. Think about where, before the affair, you would have provided a give-and-take. Try and apply that same energy to a compromise.

• Sometimes a compromise isn’t possible. This may be a moment where one partner will need to agree to follow another partner’s preferences for a limited and identified time. This solution will need to be re-evaluated often to ensure that it isn’t causing an unhelpful power dynamic.

• After a solution is agreed upon, both partners must verbally repeat the solution to ensure that they are agreeing to the same thing. Explain your understanding of the solution and the identified outcome of it.

• Do not choose a solution if you have no intention of following through with it.

• Do not choose a solution that you can predict will make you angry or resentful.

Step Five: ​Decide on a trial period in which to implement the solution.

• Identify when the solutions will be implemented.

• Identify the number of times the solutions will be implemented.

• After the number of attempts of implementation has been applied, review the outcome.

• Discuss what you both have learned. If needed, make revisions to the solution, taking into account what you both have learned from the trial period.

Remember, an affair is a good time to seek couples counseling. Doing the work to restore the relationship may be very difficult, and any additional support will increase the likelihood of each partner finding peace.

Restoring balance in a relationship after an affair is not easy. It is very hard. Some may never be able to find balance and choose to end the relationship. Others may find that healing after an affair actually creates a stronger bond.

What’s important is that you’re giving a true effort. Examine with your partner the territories that need healing, and work together to heal them.

Here is a list of additional resources I utilize with my patients:

• After The Affair by Janis A. Spring

• How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald

• Infidelity: The Complete Guide on How to Heal From Affairs by Talal H. Alsaleem

• Betrayal Recovery Radio a podcast with Carol the Coach

• How to Save Your Marriage a podcast with Nicola Beer

• Healing Broken Trust After Infidelity a podcast with Brad and Morgan Robinson

• The Recovery Room a podcast with Tim Tedder

How do you and your partner make decisions? Let me know in the comments section below!

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