When To Seek Therapy

Life can be extremely stressful, and when you are living with stress you can’t access your natural problem-solving skills. You may find yourself becoming more irritable, lethargic, confused, or overwhelmed. These adverse sensations have caused people to consider professional assistance to help them through their problems.

Yet, many struggle with hesitation. I’ve seen it with friends, family, and even my own patients. We are uncertain whether we actually need help. We may believe that our concern is too small to bother someone with, or so large that nothing will help, or too personal to share with a stranger.

Some of these are very valid fears. But at what point does putting off relief and assistance cause our problems to worsen? How can one tell when they should reach out to a therapist?

Six Signs

Though there are no absolute answers, here are the six signs I know of that indicate it’s time to seek help:

1. Your normal healthy coping methods stop working. You’ve tried your standard go-to’s for when something is amiss—talked with loved ones, distracted yourself with work, or tried several direct approaches to resolve the problem. But, your go-tos are failing you. You’re now running out of ways to cope, and feeling demoralized.

2. Your unhappiness overpowers your happiness. You wake up and it feels like a burden to simply face the day. Your usual sources of pleasure seem dimmer, less joyous than they once did. A constant nagging feeling that something is wrong, even though you can’t identify what, follows you everywhere. You’ve also noticed that these feelings are increasing, and the majority of your day is spent out of balance.

3. You’ve experienced a crisis or unexpected loss. Losing one’s job, an accident, illness, death, or divorce put burdens on an individual as well as a family. These events can lead to temporary difficulties. Even when these experiences were expected, the skills you have to manage your emotions weren’t crafted for crisis. All normal life phases, including those which society has trained you to be overjoyed about (such as the birth of a child or marriage), can be stressful. These situations, when not handled correctly, can lead to negative feelings and behaviors.

4. You look back and realize you’re intentionally sabotaging yourself. You may have the answer to what will help you, but you’re not able to get yourself to do what you should be doing. You may feel that, no matter what, some “force” seems to be preventing you from using your own strengths to resolve your problems. This “force” may even be causing you to do the opposite, making your problems worse.

5. You’ve developed negative patterns. Through reflection, you realize you’ve been losing friend after friend. Maybe you’re regularly alienating yourself from the people around you. Perhaps you're unable to maintain a stable work situation, even when the work is within your capabilities. If you’re having a chronic feeling of dissatisfaction, and notice that you continue to experience the same “badness,” it could be that an unhealthy pattern has developed. This pattern has become normal, along with your feelings of defeat.

6. Symptoms have developed. You’re experiencing inexplicable, sometimes even new symptoms. You’re having daily worrying thoughts that plague your mind, experiencing panic attacks, are overwhelmed by chronic fears, uncontrollable crying spells or daily pervasive sadness. You could even be experiencing physical symptoms like muscle tension, irritable bowel syndrome, or chronic fatigue, but your doctor has told you that you’re physically well. You may have increased your use of negative coping skills, like drinking or smoking. You’re then starting to realize that these symptoms are no longer mild enough to ignore.

One, or any combination of these six factors, is your world telling you that the weight you’re carrying is too much. If you tackle the problem early, it’s not only easier to resolve, but it also prevents it from worsening.

Still, the real issue isn’t whether you need help, but instead whether you’ll benefit from it. If you’re still doubting whether therapy is the right choice, it can be useful to discuss this very question with a therapist over the phone. Many therapists will do a free phone consultation. You’ll be able to address your problem and ask whether treatment can help or if relief is actually closer than it feels.

Making The Call

There are a variety of situations that warrant a consultation with a therapist, but even making the phone call can be difficult. People dislike admitting that they need help. People also have a lot of doubts about therapy in general. Therapists are seen as having some hidden insight into the problems of others and yet are simultaneously seen as charlatans who can’t be trusted. I’ve seen these doubts play out in therapy all too often.

It may help to calm your fears if you seek a referral to speak to a therapist from a trusted source. Have a friend, clergyman, family doctor, or school counselor give you someone you can potentially call. Knowing the therapist was referred by a trusted source may bring some ease when dialing their number.

Once you’ve identified a therapist to contact, explain your situation. It may be tempting to be vague, which is okay. This is a consultation phone call to determine fitness for treatment. There are a few things you need to be detailed about, but the rest can be divulged in therapy when you’re comfortable.

Initially, explain to the therapist:

• Your thoughts and your feelings. Tell them the words or phrases you’ve been repeating to yourself lately. Tell them the emotions you’ve been experiencing or not experiencing. Sometimes the emotion is numbness and sometimes it’s overwhelming pain. Make sure to identify which it is, or if it’s both.

• Onset and duration. Be specific about when and how long these problems have plagued you. Tell the therapist when these problems may have changed or gotten worse, and how quickly.

• Crisis concerns. Notify the therapist if you’re having thoughts of self-harm or harming someone else. They will assess you to ensure what level of potential risk you are at. Often people are fearful that this honesty will result in being put in a padded room. This is not the go-to right away, despite what society has presented. A therapist can assess and tell when these thoughts are thoughts with no actions, and instead a result of simply wanting relief. Also tell them if you’re afraid for your physical and/or emotional safety. Maybe you’re at risk of losing your house or job, having panic attacks that occur when you’re driving. You could also be in an unsafe relationship or household. This information is vital regarding the therapist’s ability to help you maintain safety and if additional resources to support you are needed.

• What you want. Tell them what relief looks like. Even if you’ve never been to therapy and don’t know what to expect or how the process works, think about how you want your life to look afterwards? Do you feel happier? Do you feel more peace? Do you feel more focused? Do you feel more in control of your emotions? Knowing what you hope to get out of treatment will let the therapist know if they may be the right fit for you.

Once you’ve discussed your case, the therapist will triage you. They may feel you’re the right fit and want to set up an appointment. They may feel your situation needs someone specialized in your concerns, and refer you to someone else. They may give you other resources over the phone, as your situation may warrant other specialized groups like food and housing programs or employment agencies. They may also say that you’re doing way better than you think, that your symptoms are more manageable then they appear, and if you want to choose therapy you can, but that time itself may also bring relief.

If you have decided to go to therapy, know that you’re a customer purchasing a service. You have the right to be a careful consumer. If you are uncertain about or dissatisfied with the treatment, say something.

Not every therapist is the right fit. A good therapist is solely focused on getting you the help you need, even if that help isn’t with them. Tell your therapist when the work isn’t working, and have them assist you in finding a better match. Not only should they be glad to help you find a treatment that works, but therapists are also ethically bound to not abandon their clients, and instead to provide referrals.

Remember, seeking out treatment doesn’t mean that you’re not strong. It means there are some skill sets that you don’t have that a professional does. Often we are told by society that we should be able to handle everything the world throws at us, and if we can’t then we are weak. Not having skill sets for specific situations is not a sign of weakness. It’s simply not having a skill set.

Sure, I have some skills to unclog a sink, but that doesn’t make me a plumber. With my limited knowledge, all I know is that the sink isn’t draining properly. I may even try these out, with no avail. I need a professional to assist me, when my go-to isn’t working. I have to get a plumber to diagnose the problem. Is something stuck in the pipes or do I need someone to come check out the septic tank? Either way, I don’t have the skill sets to manage this situation myself. So if you’re feeling stuck, you may need that outside perspective to guide you, teach you, and support you.

Have you been struggling with any of the six signs of needing therapy? What are the coping skills you’ve tried? Tell me in the comment section below!

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