Healthy Rituals to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

February 14 has been identified as the official day to celebrate romantic love since 498 A.D. when the holiday was declared by Pope Gelasius.* This specific holiday was meant to formalize the connection between significant others. It is identified as a predictable ritual with certain expectations and customs. People often engage in rituals with the intent to achieve a wide range of outcomes, such as boosting confidence or alleviating grief.

When these rituals aren’t wholly accepted by the participant, or are set up to try and achieve unattainable outcomes, they can cause stress instead of alleviating it. So, when romantic happiness is the distance between expectation and reality, Valentine’s Day actually sets couples up for disappointment.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I have seen this holiday rear its ugly head in my office, causing mayhem and turmoil. Leading up to the holiday, during the holiday, and afterward, couples have spent hours complaining, arguing, and dissecting the events surrounding it.

What was originally marked as a predictable time to acknowledge your emotional commitment to your relationship has turned into a time of judgement. The hype of social media and the ability to compare one’s relationship to the relationships of their peers has only further increased this tendency.

This day has many unattainable expectations rolled into it that a “good partner” should meet:

• They must plan ahead to come up with a special acknowledgement of the holiday. A plan they must execute flawlessly.

• They must become exceptionally romantic, as defined by their partner or others, and not by themselves.

• They must remember what they have done in the past, as they are not allowed to repeat romantic gestures.

• They must become mind-readers in order to figure out what the perfect way to celebrate the holiday with their partner would be.

• If there is a discussion about what to do with the holiday they must remember this conversation exactly, leaving out no detail.

• They must carve out time in their schedule to do all of this, somehow without  disrupting their partner’s schedule, or their own.

In the end there is no room for error, and there is certainly no room for flexibility. For those in an LGBTQ+ or polyamorous relationship, this holiday brings about even more struggles.

Therefore, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, I often reaffirm to my clients that they should look at it as it was intended: to honor love. I remind them to develop rituals, especially during this holiday, that align with their personal and relational values. I have them focus on what honoring their love actually looks like.

In a relationship, there are five types of rituals throughout the year meant to strengthen the bonds between significant others:

• Time Rituals: committed time set aside to engage in relationship-created traditions.

• Daily Routines: tasks meant to improve closeness.

• Expressions of Intimacy: defined expression of affection through shared experience.

• Communication Rituals: efforts intended to increase connection through communication.

• Celebration Rituals: unique, honored events.

With your partner, figure out ways that you can utilize any of the five rituals to honor Valentine’s Day. Here are just a few examples:

• Time Rituals

  • Identify time you will complete assigned tasks around the house.

  • Don’t hit snooze for a week if this is something that is disruptive to your partner.

  • Meet up with your partner during their lunch break.

  • Make a game of walking around Ikea guessing which show room your partner likes the most.

• Daily Routines

  • Clean the house more thoroughly than normal.

  • You and your partner could go running with your dog, not just walking.

  • Wash, fold, and put away the laundry.

• Expressions of Intimacy

  • Leave a sticky note on their lunch box letting them know you are thinking of them.

  • Call them on your lunch break to ask how they are doing.

  • Write them a letter and leave it in their bag.

• Communication Rituals

  • Increasing the use of your partner’s Love Language.

  • Creating a shared calendar so you are both able to plan better.

  • Learning a new recipe and making it together.

  • Play “Talk, Flirt, Dare” to learn more about your partner.

• Celebration Rituals

  • Create a new tradition that you both can stick to every Valentine’s Day like:

    • Choosing a new book to read together.

    • Walking around your neighborhood noting all the changes.

    • Volunteering at an animal shelter.

  • Pick one typical romantic gesture of the holiday that you both agree is attainable (maybe it’s one single rose, maybe it’s a box of chocolates, or maybe it’s pizza and a movie at home). 

Once the rituals have been decided, try them out and reassess. If it didn’t feel right, then change it and try again. Relationships need different affirmations to flourish and grow, especially as they adapt and change.

Remember, the process of acknowledging and affirming the importance of a relationship is a vital element for building stronger bonds. This process is different for everyone. Don’t let the cookie-cutter idea of Valentine’s Day infiltrate your relationship. Instead, use it as a tool for growth, by reminding yourself of the rituals that are important to you and your partner.

What rituals will you and your partner incorporate this Valentine’s Day? Tell me in the comments section below!

*Additional Awareness: Please note that some historians relate the idea of gift giving and love for Valentine’s Day to Chaucer’s poem  “Parlement of Foules”. Prior even to the involvement of Pope Gelasius and St. Valentine, the holiday was appropriated from the Pagan holiday Lupercalia. These historical highlights are worth noting, as they show that the ritual of the holiday has evolved, and been associated with much joy and pain throughout the centuries.

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